remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
