I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
