I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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