Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
