ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The best revenge is premature balding
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
