Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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