Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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