i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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