I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
