Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
