Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
