apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
