Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
