Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
