We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
