I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
