This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
