Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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