cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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