Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
