he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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