I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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