He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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