Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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