I'm so fucking centered right now
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
