Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize