4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
