I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
