ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
