I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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