Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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