I will die if light touches me.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
