So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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