dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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