Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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