I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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