i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
