If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
