If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
