Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
