Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
