I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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