peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize