After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
