perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Randomize
