I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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