Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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