Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
