the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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