when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize