then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
