Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
