omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm both gender and math confused
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
