Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
