hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
