No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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