She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Terrible idea I love it
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
