Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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