just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
