Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
