The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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